Being inside my mind

This post is about what it is like to be inside my head. As some of you may know, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which involves my brain being wired up differently. My mind is unique and can see positives which others may overlook, though I also have days where everything gets too much and I hide away. To start off I will describe how I feel when in a large crowd of people by myself.

I am walking down the high street, I am half aware of the people around me, and they seem to be in always in a hurry and I feel like I am invisible. Some strangers stare at me and I have no clue what they are thinking, so I turn away as I feared I am being judged. Whenever I go to town I always have a rough idea of where I plan to go. I often go to bookshops to look at books; I can be in the bookshop for a quarter of an hour and either buy a book or decide not to. I have never spoken to any strangers in Waterstones apart from the booksellers, I kind of wish I had the confidence to talk to people who share my love of books.

Now I am going to tell you about my experience of being bullied and how it still impacts on me today. At the age of 13 I and my family moved from Banbury to Coventry. The move meant me changing school. I struggle to cope with change and the move from a town to a large city made me anxious. My new school was an all-boys school and I was very nervous on my first day. Unfortunately my strange behaviour started to attract attention and people started to bully me. It started with name calling and messing with my school stuff. However, the bullies then started to purposely distract me in class and physically harm me. Every day I was scared of going into school, I felt like I was living in hell. I had no friends, the teachers did little to deal with the bullies effectively and I felt cut off from society all together. In year 10, when I sat my GCSE’s I fell into depression and felt really unhappy with life. The worst part was that my step-mother took my strange behaviour as being rude, when in reality I felt really unhappy and lost.

I got through my depression through my escape into the world of Harry Potter, family support and by the fact that I had a really bad day at school in year 11. It was a day where it seemed everyone was determined to make my day harder. I was called names, teased, made to feel isolated and hit on the head by some random student on a bicycle. I had hit breaking point, all the tears I had been holding back came out at once and I had to tell my mum my situation. With some support from my teachers I managed to complete year 11, obtaining the grades needed to do A levels but I still lacked real friends and still felt like an outcast.

University unfortunately did not help my social life much. I made friends who lived in my halls during my first year at uni. However, I still suffered from major anxiety attacks and shutdowns daily and hid myself away in my room. My friends took this and me not wanting to be their friend and accused me of being rude. I felt hurt and made no effort to try and be their friend after year one at uni. I understand that nobody can read minds, and I may have had made a mistake by not letting them know that I had Asperger’s, but I did try to be as kind and polite as possible. There are times like it feels like I am hitting a brick wall when trying to make friends.

People may think that because, I struggle to socialise and like to have some alone time, that I have no desire to make friends. No, I really want more friends; I do get lonely and sometimes depressed that I have few close friends. I have my special interests, I have my books but what I really want is more friends. It is often said that you should accept yourself for who you are. I on the other wish I could be less socially awkward and be able to get out more and socialise with people. I am never going to be a loud extroverted person but I am capable of talking to people in small groups.

I am hopeful for the future, thought the past still haunts me, and I am sorry this post is long but I had a lot I needed to say to describe what it is like being me. 

Trying to be positive when feeling down - my tips to lifting the mood

Hi, my first post on this blog is going to be about lifting the mood when feeling down. Here is my list of tips.

1. Find a distraction - distracting your mind from negative thoughts can be done a variety of ways. Music often helps me or a good book. Other ways to distract your mind can be to get out of the house or play video games. There are various ways to distract your mind from negative thoughts.
2. Relaxation techniques - Similar to the first tip but instead of keeping busy this tip is about relaxing the body and the mind. A shower or a bath helps calm me down, but meditation and yoga are other alternatives worth considering. Drinking tea often helps me, though be careful, tea contains a small amount of caffeine so do not over do it (says the tea addict.) 
3. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts- for example, if you believe that you are not confident then start believing that you are confident. Believing in yourself is the first step to living a more positive life. 
4. Make yourself laugh- can be done by watching something funny on youtube or by watching a funny film. Laughing is a positive action that can help lift the mood. 
5. Take up a new hobby - you may think I am repeating the first point but I am not. A new hobby or interest is more than a distraction, it can also give you more motivation. For example, if your hobby is reading comics then that will motivate you to work hard to get the money to pay for the comics. Moreover, through your new hobby you will meet others who share the same passion and make new friends. I myself need to find more people who love books just as much as I do, so I can increase my circle of friends. 
6. Treat yourself - if you have spare cash and are feeling down then why not treat yourself to some chocolate or ice cream. Chocolate can be addicting but for many can help lift the mood, plus it is delicious. 
7. Talk to someone - talking to someone like a friend or family member can often help. I have struggled in the pass to make friends but recently I have made some good friends and am thankful when I am able to chat to them. Feeling alone is not a good feeling from my own personal experience, which is why I try to talk to a family member or a friend when feeling down. Other people that you can talk to include a counselor or a teacher, (if still at school).

Those were my tips on how to think more positively when you feel down. Different thing will work for different people, but I hope my advice is helpful to some. My next blog post will be about my battle with anxiety.

Introduction

Hi my name is Richard and welcome to my new blog. This blog will be mainly about my life experiences and advice for people who suffer from similar problems. At a young age I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and have had a tough period growing up. Through this blog I will share my experience of what it is like not to fit in and advice from my experience about coping when being bullied at school.

I also intend to show the lighter side about being different. I do not prescribe to the idea that there is such thing as a normal person and that difference should be celebrated.