My experience of isolation

Feeling completely alone in the modern world is very scary. When I felt isolated from society I had high anxiety and a fear of leaving the house by myself. Destructive thoughts started to enter my mind and I thought myself to be worthless.

I became isolated due to the bullying I suffered at school. My mind and body wanted to find safety, so I started to isolate myself in order to escape the bullying. However, that did not work and just made me more alone and an easier target for bullies.

Whilst I was revising for my exams I thought myself to be worthless. I made no close friends at school. My only friends during my teenage years were my family and my friend I made when I was really young. My friend has ADHD and I have Aspergers, but we get along well and both were, and still are, obsessed with pokemon and nerdy books and films.

Since school I have been to Uni and completed the Prince's Trust Team Programme. Both have made me a stronger and wiser person. On the Prince's Trust course I made two really good friends and I now feel less isolated. It has been a struggle but there is a way out of isolation.

Hope everyone has a good Christmas :)

Stand up against Bullying

It is anti-bullying week, so I have decided to share my story of what it feels like to be a victim of bullying. Having Asperger's Syndrome meant I was always different than a lot of other kids.By the time I hit my teens I was still more concerned with my passion for reading and knowledge rather than following the crowd and trying to be 'cool'. At the age of 13 I moved to Coventry and changed schools from a mixed school to an all boys school. Being an aspie means I fear change so I came across as anxious and awkward. Only a few months in the teasing and bullying started.

I was called names, made to feel unwelcome and physically hurt on a daily basis. People thought I was strange to prefer reading books over sport. Even though I always volunteered to take part in sports day, I never got thanked by people in my tutor group. As a coping mechanism during three years of bullying I isolated myself from others in hope of avoiding bullies when possible. By year 11 I hit breaking point as told both my mum and my teachers about the bullying. With a bit of will power I obtained the grades needed to do A levels.

The after effects though were damaging. I did well in my A levels but I was too scared to really get talking to people and so was unable to make close friends at sixth form. Then at uni I initially made friends but I did not tell them about my Aspergers and so they thought me to be rude and we drifted apart. Anxiety attacks were a daily occurrence for me in my first year in uni.

Completing the Prince's Trust Team Programme helped me to find my spark back. I made some good friends who continue to show kindness towards me. Moreover, I have come to believe that I was never in the wrong and that it was the bullies who were the problem, not me. It is perfectly fine to be different. Normal is a setting on a dryer machine and cannot be used to define a person. Today I read an article which said that bullying is on the decrease, but the figures only cover reported bullying. As a society we cannot continue to pretend that bullying is not a problem. Bullying needs to be stamped out.

The modern world faces many problems, but bullying is one that can be tackled now! We need to stop stereotyping people and start treating each other equally to show that true democracy can become a reality.

The beauty of knowledge

It is no secret, my mind retains knowledge really well. At the age of 10 I became obsessed with Harry Potter to the extent that I know the majority of the characters by heart. Learning has always been a huge interest of mine. The world is a big place and there is so much to learn.

I always like to read up about history and other cultures as well as reading fiction. I consider my mind well tuned and constantly pondering over facts and philosophy. For example. I read the Hobbit and I ponder its message about being humble and kind and how too much greed can bring evil with it. Despite the growth of science there is still a need to thinker deeper. Sherlock describes an obvious fact as deceiving because facts are human constructs which can be invented to suit human needs.

Plato's allegory of the cave and becoming enlightened refers to seeing what is really there. People seem to think that the government is encouraging people not to be intellectual when in reality the only people that stop us thinking clearly is ourselves.

So in future if you want to find something out or stretch your mind then read a book, or take a walk and watch nature itself. The world is an amazing place and if you want to learn more about it then no one will stop you.

As a uni student I met many students who went to uni with no desire to study which shocked me. I understand that uni provides social opportunities but it is also a place to learn. Improving educational standards is about encouraging people to love learning, they can make exams easier or harder but a good attitude will go a long way to encourage a love of learning.

November Update

I have finally got myself a jobs. The hours I put in to searching on job sites paid off. I am by far more motivated mostly in part by the Prince's Trust team programme. I was pushed out of my comfort zone and made great friends along the way.

My love of books is stronger the ever thanks to being in a better state of mind. My anxiety still exists but I try not to let it dictate my life. My focus is on improving my well being rather than allowing the negativity which exists in the modern world to swallow me up. 

I will try and post on this blog more often, though I am busy with work during the week. My next blog will cover music and how it can help improve my mood. 

Feeling Positive

Yesterday I found out I have got a job and I am over the moon. My persistence has paid off and I am going to reap the rewards. My confidence has been hit a few times in my life so far. I had 3 years of misery at school being bullied on a daily basis. I started to believe that things ere never going to get better. Then university did not help me socially as I have had hoped because of my anxiety issues.

I now plan to rise above the bullies and to do my best to enjoy life. My interests may be considered nerdy, but who cares, they make me who I am. Doctor Who will always be a favourite as long as the BBC continue to make it. Harry Potter will always have a special place in my heart as it has made me into the reader I am today.

With Halloween effectively over, one can now focus entirely on Christmas. May take part in a Christmas Read-a-thon, as I will have plenty of time on my bus journeys to work and back.

Keep an eye on my book blog as reviews and book discussions will be posted in the upcoming months.

My anxiety triggers

Most people suffer from anxiety in their life, though some people are prone to it more than others. I am going to list my anxiety triggers then describe how I feel when anxiety hits me. I will also outline my coping strategies.

Anxiety Triggers:

• Large groups of people - I often get drowned out in large groups and feel unable to speak.
• The fear of being judged in a bad way - being a victim of bullying has made me more paranoid about being myself freely, which makes me anxious.
• Interviews - I am currently seeking a job, so I want interviews but because I fear that I will mess them up I tend to get anxious.
• Change - I can get too comfortable in a set routine and become anxious when it is changed.
• The fear of being late - I hate being late, especially when it is unavoidable. (damn buses!!) 
• Fear of rejection - I fear rejection from people, which causes me anxiety which causes me to pull away from people, it is a vicious circle. 
• The future - I get anxious about the future as I have not settled into a career yet. 

When anxious I tend to feel ill, very hot, with a bad migraine. Anxiety often makes me start to hate myself and then the negative thoughts start to take over my mind. 

My coping strategy is trying to relax. Music can help me but reading or playing a video game also helps distract my mind. It usually depends on the type of anxiety. On the bus I read to stay relax, but at home I tend to blast metal music in my headphones when feeling down. The way I see it is that anxiety is a sign that you care and that it is not a sign of weakness. Lupin in Harry Potter tells Harry that fearing Dementors does not make him weak. Lupin describes the fear of Dementors as fearing fear itself, which Lupin called very wise. 

Living with Aspergers

Greetings people on this fine early Saturday morning. I have decided to share with you what it is like being me. I am not going to lie and say it it easy living with Aspergers, it is not easy. Having some special interests is cool but I lack the social skills to find people who share my interests.

Life has  improved slightly as I now have some friends who I can chat to online, or meet up with in town, but I lack to know how to find and make more good friends. Nobody is perfect and my imperfection is my weak social skills. The few friends I do have do understand my difficulties and accept me for who I am. However, there are many who will see me as too abnormal to be associated with, which is th  fear that drives my social anxiety. I have a fear of being judged all the time, plus I fear being a victim of bullying again.


My biggest issue in recent years has been self hate; the feeling that I am worthless. I know that it is not true but my past experiences of being tormented and bullied have implanted negative thoughts about myself in my mind. I try to keep telling myself that it is fine to be me. I love to read books, I love watching Doctor Who, I am super excited about the new Hobbit movie and I like learning new facts.

I spend a lot of my time alone not by choice but because I need to recharge. When out and about I try to keep my head up and walk with confidence, the next step will be to start smiling out strangers. I do try and stay positive and not to feel down too often. Sorry if I am rambling.It is very difficult to explain what it is like inside my head.