My experience of isolation

Feeling completely alone in the modern world is very scary. When I felt isolated from society I had high anxiety and a fear of leaving the house by myself. Destructive thoughts started to enter my mind and I thought myself to be worthless.

I became isolated due to the bullying I suffered at school. My mind and body wanted to find safety, so I started to isolate myself in order to escape the bullying. However, that did not work and just made me more alone and an easier target for bullies.

Whilst I was revising for my exams I thought myself to be worthless. I made no close friends at school. My only friends during my teenage years were my family and my friend I made when I was really young. My friend has ADHD and I have Aspergers, but we get along well and both were, and still are, obsessed with pokemon and nerdy books and films.

Since school I have been to Uni and completed the Prince's Trust Team Programme. Both have made me a stronger and wiser person. On the Prince's Trust course I made two really good friends and I now feel less isolated. It has been a struggle but there is a way out of isolation.

Hope everyone has a good Christmas :)

Stand up against Bullying

It is anti-bullying week, so I have decided to share my story of what it feels like to be a victim of bullying. Having Asperger's Syndrome meant I was always different than a lot of other kids.By the time I hit my teens I was still more concerned with my passion for reading and knowledge rather than following the crowd and trying to be 'cool'. At the age of 13 I moved to Coventry and changed schools from a mixed school to an all boys school. Being an aspie means I fear change so I came across as anxious and awkward. Only a few months in the teasing and bullying started.

I was called names, made to feel unwelcome and physically hurt on a daily basis. People thought I was strange to prefer reading books over sport. Even though I always volunteered to take part in sports day, I never got thanked by people in my tutor group. As a coping mechanism during three years of bullying I isolated myself from others in hope of avoiding bullies when possible. By year 11 I hit breaking point as told both my mum and my teachers about the bullying. With a bit of will power I obtained the grades needed to do A levels.

The after effects though were damaging. I did well in my A levels but I was too scared to really get talking to people and so was unable to make close friends at sixth form. Then at uni I initially made friends but I did not tell them about my Aspergers and so they thought me to be rude and we drifted apart. Anxiety attacks were a daily occurrence for me in my first year in uni.

Completing the Prince's Trust Team Programme helped me to find my spark back. I made some good friends who continue to show kindness towards me. Moreover, I have come to believe that I was never in the wrong and that it was the bullies who were the problem, not me. It is perfectly fine to be different. Normal is a setting on a dryer machine and cannot be used to define a person. Today I read an article which said that bullying is on the decrease, but the figures only cover reported bullying. As a society we cannot continue to pretend that bullying is not a problem. Bullying needs to be stamped out.

The modern world faces many problems, but bullying is one that can be tackled now! We need to stop stereotyping people and start treating each other equally to show that true democracy can become a reality.

The beauty of knowledge

It is no secret, my mind retains knowledge really well. At the age of 10 I became obsessed with Harry Potter to the extent that I know the majority of the characters by heart. Learning has always been a huge interest of mine. The world is a big place and there is so much to learn.

I always like to read up about history and other cultures as well as reading fiction. I consider my mind well tuned and constantly pondering over facts and philosophy. For example. I read the Hobbit and I ponder its message about being humble and kind and how too much greed can bring evil with it. Despite the growth of science there is still a need to thinker deeper. Sherlock describes an obvious fact as deceiving because facts are human constructs which can be invented to suit human needs.

Plato's allegory of the cave and becoming enlightened refers to seeing what is really there. People seem to think that the government is encouraging people not to be intellectual when in reality the only people that stop us thinking clearly is ourselves.

So in future if you want to find something out or stretch your mind then read a book, or take a walk and watch nature itself. The world is an amazing place and if you want to learn more about it then no one will stop you.

As a uni student I met many students who went to uni with no desire to study which shocked me. I understand that uni provides social opportunities but it is also a place to learn. Improving educational standards is about encouraging people to love learning, they can make exams easier or harder but a good attitude will go a long way to encourage a love of learning.

November Update

I have finally got myself a jobs. The hours I put in to searching on job sites paid off. I am by far more motivated mostly in part by the Prince's Trust team programme. I was pushed out of my comfort zone and made great friends along the way.

My love of books is stronger the ever thanks to being in a better state of mind. My anxiety still exists but I try not to let it dictate my life. My focus is on improving my well being rather than allowing the negativity which exists in the modern world to swallow me up. 

I will try and post on this blog more often, though I am busy with work during the week. My next blog will cover music and how it can help improve my mood. 

Feeling Positive

Yesterday I found out I have got a job and I am over the moon. My persistence has paid off and I am going to reap the rewards. My confidence has been hit a few times in my life so far. I had 3 years of misery at school being bullied on a daily basis. I started to believe that things ere never going to get better. Then university did not help me socially as I have had hoped because of my anxiety issues.

I now plan to rise above the bullies and to do my best to enjoy life. My interests may be considered nerdy, but who cares, they make me who I am. Doctor Who will always be a favourite as long as the BBC continue to make it. Harry Potter will always have a special place in my heart as it has made me into the reader I am today.

With Halloween effectively over, one can now focus entirely on Christmas. May take part in a Christmas Read-a-thon, as I will have plenty of time on my bus journeys to work and back.

Keep an eye on my book blog as reviews and book discussions will be posted in the upcoming months.

My anxiety triggers

Most people suffer from anxiety in their life, though some people are prone to it more than others. I am going to list my anxiety triggers then describe how I feel when anxiety hits me. I will also outline my coping strategies.

Anxiety Triggers:

• Large groups of people - I often get drowned out in large groups and feel unable to speak.
• The fear of being judged in a bad way - being a victim of bullying has made me more paranoid about being myself freely, which makes me anxious.
• Interviews - I am currently seeking a job, so I want interviews but because I fear that I will mess them up I tend to get anxious.
• Change - I can get too comfortable in a set routine and become anxious when it is changed.
• The fear of being late - I hate being late, especially when it is unavoidable. (damn buses!!) 
• Fear of rejection - I fear rejection from people, which causes me anxiety which causes me to pull away from people, it is a vicious circle. 
• The future - I get anxious about the future as I have not settled into a career yet. 

When anxious I tend to feel ill, very hot, with a bad migraine. Anxiety often makes me start to hate myself and then the negative thoughts start to take over my mind. 

My coping strategy is trying to relax. Music can help me but reading or playing a video game also helps distract my mind. It usually depends on the type of anxiety. On the bus I read to stay relax, but at home I tend to blast metal music in my headphones when feeling down. The way I see it is that anxiety is a sign that you care and that it is not a sign of weakness. Lupin in Harry Potter tells Harry that fearing Dementors does not make him weak. Lupin describes the fear of Dementors as fearing fear itself, which Lupin called very wise. 

Living with Aspergers

Greetings people on this fine early Saturday morning. I have decided to share with you what it is like being me. I am not going to lie and say it it easy living with Aspergers, it is not easy. Having some special interests is cool but I lack the social skills to find people who share my interests.

Life has  improved slightly as I now have some friends who I can chat to online, or meet up with in town, but I lack to know how to find and make more good friends. Nobody is perfect and my imperfection is my weak social skills. The few friends I do have do understand my difficulties and accept me for who I am. However, there are many who will see me as too abnormal to be associated with, which is th  fear that drives my social anxiety. I have a fear of being judged all the time, plus I fear being a victim of bullying again.


My biggest issue in recent years has been self hate; the feeling that I am worthless. I know that it is not true but my past experiences of being tormented and bullied have implanted negative thoughts about myself in my mind. I try to keep telling myself that it is fine to be me. I love to read books, I love watching Doctor Who, I am super excited about the new Hobbit movie and I like learning new facts.

I spend a lot of my time alone not by choice but because I need to recharge. When out and about I try to keep my head up and walk with confidence, the next step will be to start smiling out strangers. I do try and stay positive and not to feel down too often. Sorry if I am rambling.It is very difficult to explain what it is like inside my head.

Mood Swings and Rant on Stereotyping

As well as having aspergers I also suffer from anxiety and have a lot of mood swings. I can go from really happy to very sad in seconds. Often it happens for no reason, but I suspect that underlying emotional problems are the trigger for me. For example, I find out about an awesome book to read and I get hyped up, but then I realise I have few people to talk to about this new book that I start feeling sad. In some circumstances the mood swing can result in me feeling unhappy and depressed. Also, I often start feeling ill when I am really down.

My methods of dealing with mood swings is simply trying to relax and return my mood back to neutral. I do have a problem with over thinking, which causes me to have anxiety attacks and severe mood swings.

My next topic is stereotyping, which I hate. In the modern world people are too quick to judge. The groups often targeted by judgmental people are: teenagers, geeks, emos, women, people with physical or mental disabilities and politicians. As a person who is on the Autistic Spectrum and a little geeky, I have experienced stereotyping first hand. I was a hard working student at school and labelled a geek, but in a negative way.

I would argue that there has been a huge change in ways different people are viewed. Anybody who does nor follow the crowd are often immediately stereotyped, despite the fact that all innovations in technology are created by people who think in a different way. For example, Bill Gates helped to create Microsoft Windows, and he possibly has aspergers and would have been labelled a geek at school. However, many people struggle to ignore negative judging people and live an unhappy life.

On the other hand, people who consider themselves geeky or emo are starting to fight back by reclaiming the terms geek and nerd, and turning them into positive terms. Moreover, the problems facing the world today require new solutions rather than the status quo. People need to value intelligent people or people who see the world differently, as they are the ones capable of saving our beloved planet.

Being inside my mind

This post is about what it is like to be inside my head. As some of you may know, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which involves my brain being wired up differently. My mind is unique and can see positives which others may overlook, though I also have days where everything gets too much and I hide away. To start off I will describe how I feel when in a large crowd of people by myself.

I am walking down the high street, I am half aware of the people around me, and they seem to be in always in a hurry and I feel like I am invisible. Some strangers stare at me and I have no clue what they are thinking, so I turn away as I feared I am being judged. Whenever I go to town I always have a rough idea of where I plan to go. I often go to bookshops to look at books; I can be in the bookshop for a quarter of an hour and either buy a book or decide not to. I have never spoken to any strangers in Waterstones apart from the booksellers, I kind of wish I had the confidence to talk to people who share my love of books.

Now I am going to tell you about my experience of being bullied and how it still impacts on me today. At the age of 13 I and my family moved from Banbury to Coventry. The move meant me changing school. I struggle to cope with change and the move from a town to a large city made me anxious. My new school was an all-boys school and I was very nervous on my first day. Unfortunately my strange behaviour started to attract attention and people started to bully me. It started with name calling and messing with my school stuff. However, the bullies then started to purposely distract me in class and physically harm me. Every day I was scared of going into school, I felt like I was living in hell. I had no friends, the teachers did little to deal with the bullies effectively and I felt cut off from society all together. In year 10, when I sat my GCSE’s I fell into depression and felt really unhappy with life. The worst part was that my step-mother took my strange behaviour as being rude, when in reality I felt really unhappy and lost.

I got through my depression through my escape into the world of Harry Potter, family support and by the fact that I had a really bad day at school in year 11. It was a day where it seemed everyone was determined to make my day harder. I was called names, teased, made to feel isolated and hit on the head by some random student on a bicycle. I had hit breaking point, all the tears I had been holding back came out at once and I had to tell my mum my situation. With some support from my teachers I managed to complete year 11, obtaining the grades needed to do A levels but I still lacked real friends and still felt like an outcast.

University unfortunately did not help my social life much. I made friends who lived in my halls during my first year at uni. However, I still suffered from major anxiety attacks and shutdowns daily and hid myself away in my room. My friends took this and me not wanting to be their friend and accused me of being rude. I felt hurt and made no effort to try and be their friend after year one at uni. I understand that nobody can read minds, and I may have had made a mistake by not letting them know that I had Asperger’s, but I did try to be as kind and polite as possible. There are times like it feels like I am hitting a brick wall when trying to make friends.

People may think that because, I struggle to socialise and like to have some alone time, that I have no desire to make friends. No, I really want more friends; I do get lonely and sometimes depressed that I have few close friends. I have my special interests, I have my books but what I really want is more friends. It is often said that you should accept yourself for who you are. I on the other wish I could be less socially awkward and be able to get out more and socialise with people. I am never going to be a loud extroverted person but I am capable of talking to people in small groups.

I am hopeful for the future, thought the past still haunts me, and I am sorry this post is long but I had a lot I needed to say to describe what it is like being me. 

Trying to be positive when feeling down - my tips to lifting the mood

Hi, my first post on this blog is going to be about lifting the mood when feeling down. Here is my list of tips.

1. Find a distraction - distracting your mind from negative thoughts can be done a variety of ways. Music often helps me or a good book. Other ways to distract your mind can be to get out of the house or play video games. There are various ways to distract your mind from negative thoughts.
2. Relaxation techniques - Similar to the first tip but instead of keeping busy this tip is about relaxing the body and the mind. A shower or a bath helps calm me down, but meditation and yoga are other alternatives worth considering. Drinking tea often helps me, though be careful, tea contains a small amount of caffeine so do not over do it (says the tea addict.) 
3. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts- for example, if you believe that you are not confident then start believing that you are confident. Believing in yourself is the first step to living a more positive life. 
4. Make yourself laugh- can be done by watching something funny on youtube or by watching a funny film. Laughing is a positive action that can help lift the mood. 
5. Take up a new hobby - you may think I am repeating the first point but I am not. A new hobby or interest is more than a distraction, it can also give you more motivation. For example, if your hobby is reading comics then that will motivate you to work hard to get the money to pay for the comics. Moreover, through your new hobby you will meet others who share the same passion and make new friends. I myself need to find more people who love books just as much as I do, so I can increase my circle of friends. 
6. Treat yourself - if you have spare cash and are feeling down then why not treat yourself to some chocolate or ice cream. Chocolate can be addicting but for many can help lift the mood, plus it is delicious. 
7. Talk to someone - talking to someone like a friend or family member can often help. I have struggled in the pass to make friends but recently I have made some good friends and am thankful when I am able to chat to them. Feeling alone is not a good feeling from my own personal experience, which is why I try to talk to a family member or a friend when feeling down. Other people that you can talk to include a counselor or a teacher, (if still at school).

Those were my tips on how to think more positively when you feel down. Different thing will work for different people, but I hope my advice is helpful to some. My next blog post will be about my battle with anxiety.

Introduction

Hi my name is Richard and welcome to my new blog. This blog will be mainly about my life experiences and advice for people who suffer from similar problems. At a young age I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and have had a tough period growing up. Through this blog I will share my experience of what it is like not to fit in and advice from my experience about coping when being bullied at school.

I also intend to show the lighter side about being different. I do not prescribe to the idea that there is such thing as a normal person and that difference should be celebrated.